One of Scott’s questions on Scott-O-Rama (who sadly is taking a hiatus right now) was to give him a question that he didn’t ask that he should of. My answer was, “What was it like coming out at a conservative Lutheran College?” I realized that was actually a good topic for me to write about here, so here is part 1…
I feel I need to start with a little background from growing up.
I always felt a little different. I realized in third grade that I was having feelings for some of the other boys in my class. I believed that what I was feeling was wrong, and as a result didn’t like putting myself in a situation where I was around any of them for fear they would figure things out. I became very isolated from the rest of the kids, except for the one outcast girl in the class. She and I would go dig in the sand during recess.
I did have a couple of kids from school that I occasionally hung out with. I ended up fooling around with them a little. Never anything real serious, mostly just touching. Then my parents got a divorce when I was 12, and I blamed myself for their divorce because I thought they knew about me. I shut the door hard, and started getting very involved with the youth group at my church. I thought for sure that all I needed was a good influence in my life.
The feelings I had never went away, I always found myself looking at the other boys at my youth group. I am sure a few of them figured it out as they teased me behind everyone else’s back at group. By my senior year in high school, I decided I would go to college at a Lutheran School. If I couldn’t learn how to change being surrounded by nothing but Christians then I was doomed!
My freshman year of college was all about trying to date girls there. I went through quite a few my first year, never getting any further than a kiss, mainly because anything else just seemed foreign, and weird to me. I had to work very close with a guy in the theater department, he was very tall, and very good looking. I really wanted to have fun with him, but knew that I couldn’t. I was trying to get over that. I don’t know that he was gay, but thought he could have been. Maybe I just wanted him to be.
My sophomore year, I met a girl, and we dated. I made it clear to her that I was against premarital sex… and so it was for a month. She decided that a few of us would get a hotel room off campus so we could go get drunk. I got really blitzed that night, and passed out. The next morning, my friend and roommate asked me if I knew what happened the night before. Apparently, my girlfriend, took it upon herself to work on getting me up and having her way with me. I still don’t remember it happening, but, I know that the other two with us would not lie to me about something like that.
I gave up at that point, spent much of my time drunk in order that we could have sex. It felt good, but it still never felt right to me (getting drunk was the only way I could bring myself to it). We went on for about 5 months like that, until one night. We had a little get together, and everyone got quite drunk. She and I were in the bedroom, and the really hot guy at the party wandered in. He sat at the end of the bed and watched. She asked me if he could join in, and I agreed, secretly wanting to see him naked anyway. It was too dark to really see much and it was very awkward, he made sure not to come into contact with me at all that night. That was the beginning of my realization that I could no longer deny who I was. I was more interested in watching him, than my girlfriend.
A week later, I found a pregnancy test in the trash that was positive. She told me not to worry, that it had been taken care of. I also found out that she had been cheating on me with another guy from town(If she had gone through with the pregnancy, who knows who the baby would have belonged to). It came at the right time to break up with her without having to say I was gay.
As, I learned with Heroes this season, this is a good place to say “To Be Continued…!” 🙂 Can’t put all the good stuff in one post! Look for more next week.